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What does it take to be a U.S. Olympic artistic swimmer? At a minimum, it demands endurance, power, leonine grace, hair gelatin, dance lessons, mastery of the eggbeater, flamingo, scull and rocket ...

While I, as an amateur powerlifter, can maaaybe picture myself on an Olympic weightlifting platform when I’m feeling particularly delulu, there are some events I know I’d never succeed in at the Games ...